Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
meet me or not, i'm out of control
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
