Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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