Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
now i know why i became what i already was.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
