she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
