Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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