I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
