Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
