i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
