you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
