Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
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Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
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Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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