He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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