I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
