Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
