I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
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