i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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