guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
