Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
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don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
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I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.