glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
