Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?

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(812): View more from Indiana

dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs

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(817): View more from Texas

You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(315): View more from New York

don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

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(440): View more from Ohio

While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.

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(971): View more from Oregon

He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.

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