Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
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She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
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I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.