Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
