How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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