things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
