It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
