new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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