It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
