omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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