I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
