Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we're making bets on your personal life
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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