dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
