I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
