Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
