by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
