Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
