No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
