I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
