I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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