My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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