Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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