I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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