My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
