i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I am midnight drunk by noon
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
