I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
where are my eyebrows?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
