my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
