My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
