I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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