It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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