The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
