you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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