In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
if only i could text you this smell
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
