did you get engaged???
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
