Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i drank out of a bidet.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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