I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
How's work?
Spinning.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
