It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
How naked do you want me to be?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
