i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
