if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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