any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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