Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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