Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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