he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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