and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Two words: nipple clamps
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